caitaly's Cancer Blog
February 9, 2007
| I'm just Angry | Views: 236 |
My daughter mentioned I hadn’t written anything for a while, my response was I was angry about this whole cancer thing. She suggested I write it down rather than holding it in. SO here it is. I haven’t sat and cried about this, yet, when I start to get overwhelmed and the tears start to well up I get ANGRY at myself for having a pity party. Now I find it’s getting harder to back them off. I look at my grandchildren and wonder if I’ll see them grow up. Instead of counting my blessings, I’ve started counting losses that haven’t occurred yet. This fatalistic attitude is new to me and I don’t like it, I’m hoping that after my “staging” appointment in March I’ll be told nothing’s there and I can at least put some of these thoughts out of my mind. Right now I hardly think of anything else, but Angel (that’s my daughter’s name) seems to know I need a bit more distracting and brings her two little boys over at the drop of a hat. I really have needed that. The other three grandkids aren’t local so these two have to pull double duty right now. I don’t know if just sitting down and crying it out is the answer or not. Or if just staying mad at cancer will make me stronger? I just don’t know
05.09.07 - 
Thanks for your support -
Cecile – I am glad that you vented, this is the place to do it. Let it out. and you have the cutest grandsons ever!
Cecile – I think it’s important to cry and not think of it as a pity party. Our emotions need an outlet and crying is healthy. :)
I know a gal who went through pretty much what you are going through. It wasn’t fun, but that was five years ago and she’s doing great! Cancer free.
In your anger, don’t be angry at God. Put the blame where it truly belongs – on the devil. Satan rules this world. Get angry at him. He loves to cause us misery. (I don’t swear, but if I did, I’d say some nasty things about the devil. Feel free.)
I think it’s important to look at the positive side of things. You are doing something – surgery, radiation, you are fighting it. So even though it seems you aren’t in control, you are. Not being in control would be doing nothing and letting the cancer grow.
Jill is right, (Hi Jill – haven’t figured out how to write to you yet.), this is the place to let it all hang out. You won’t be judged here. Only loved, cared about and prayed for.
I do understand your frustration over not being in control. It’s not just the cancer, but if you are used to directing, there are things you can’t do now that you ordinarily do – just household chores, shopping, things like that. It all takes longer.
Hang in there – it gets better. You are going to make it! Look in the mirror every morning, (I don’t do this until I have my makeup on. Don’t want to scare anyone – even myself.), and say – I’M GOING TO MAKE IT!
Hugs.
Karen Beck
Oh crying does wonders. That’s coming from someone who does it almost constantly and throughout all these years it still feels great after the sadness/frustration subsides. Cancer, and the whole package of emotions that must be lugged along with it will make you a stronger person. Maybe not physically but mentally and you’ll rediscover who you are, knowing you are one of the few people in your world right now that could take on anything if things came to it.
Children, especially the babies are always good therapy because they keep you busy with their constant “why” questions and “look! look!” shrieks hehe. Your grandson is adorable too by the way. :)
Take care,
Gem
I know that crying seems to help me shed the bad thoughts. It is OK to cry.
“We need to take care of each other”
Sherri
Thank you all for the support, I needn’t realize how much I needed to hear it from people that have been were I am. It’s not hard to smile and say “I’m doing well’ when people ask, because I know it will make them feel better and they won’t worry about me so much. After all, that’s my job, I’ve always been the caretaker, but on the inside I’m thinking ‘how do you think I’m doing, I’m waiting to see if the cancer is going to appear someplace else’. And I’m not mad at God, things happen that we just don’t have the answers to yet, I’d prefer to have the playbook that goes along with life but since I don’t I’ll hang in there, March 16th that’s my staging day. And between now and then, when anyone says, I’ll say a prayer for you, I’ll say thank you.
And you’re all correct about my 2 youngest grandsons, they are adorable. Thanks again..
You have cancer ,but is does not own you. Also do not make the cancer who you are and do not identify your self by the cancer. Your life will never be the same. In some ways it may be better, because you appreciate thing more.